Over the weekend I was driving in my truck. I made a casual left hand turn when to my surprise about 96 oz of 2 day old Pepsi ended up in my lap and all over my truck. Now as one might guess this wasn’t a good thing and several words were uttered in a loud tone that shant be repeated here. But know this, not only was I angry due to the soggy undies I was now rocking, but more so to the fact that the Pepsi in question here was my wife’s giant drink that can only be described as the worlds largest beverage container. It apparently is for the person who walks directly off the sun and says I’m parched. She buys these drinks and then never drinks them, instead she takes one sip and leaves them in my truck as a accident just waiting to happen as is evidenced by the 80 different soda stains in my truck. Despite my call to simply to tell her I love her and yell at her for 30 minutes I know that come Monday there will be yet another giant stain just waiting for me the next time I get into my truck. You see after 7 years of marriage I have learned several truths about my wife and women in general. One of those is they do not care what you hold dear, in this case my truck, when it gets in the way of something they hold dear, in this case my wife’s heroin like addiction to Soda. I used to try and convince myself that if I asked enough times, or yelled enough that something would seep in and she might actually care what I think, and in turn save me from soggy britches and stained seats. how foolish I was. I have come to accept the fact that my truck will never be a beverage free zone as I wish. After all, how silly of me to want my truck to stay clean. This is just one of many things I have gleamed over the years that I will now share with you, the reader, for the benefit of men everywhere. These are universal truths that should not be fought, but rather accepted, it’s just easier that way.
- All family vacations will be total hell. Your kids will bitch the whole time. You and your wife will fight the whole time. You will spend thousands of dollars on them and will need a vacation from your vacation. Despite this, you will go every year because she wants to get out of the house.
- When she does something to piss you off and you get mad, she will in turn get mad at you for getting made thus making you the bad guy. This is the greatest power they have.
- What ever time your wife tells you she needs to get ready, add 30 minutes.
- If you want to be on time to anything tell her you need to be there 45 minutes ahead of when you actually are supposed to be at said location. You just might make it.
- If you want a Cadillac and your wife wants a horse, you will end up with the horse, and that horse’s name will be Patches. And you WILL hate her.
- Crying makes her a sympathetic figure, crying makes you look like a giant puss.
- Just agree with the notion that Resse Weatherspoon is the hottest thing around because she has a great personality. And that Jessica Alba is just a slut and you don’t find her nearly as attractive as Resse.
- No matter what you do in the bathroom you will be yelled at for something each time you leave the facilities. (Although if she gets on you for peeing on the seat, have her try and aim you the next time you go. I promise you she won’t ever say a word about that again.)
- squating in pictures is never I good idea, what the hell I am doing?
Well I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. I feel much better now. Have a good one. I have to go shampoo my truck seats now.
