5 Things To Watch/Do this Weekend

Christmas stuff to fill silent moments with your family, ole' fashioned football and a trophy!

Will Darkins
December 07, 2018 - 3:24 pm
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Instead of chapping your lips during a dreary walk around the Pacific Northwest, hunker down in your shanties and spend time with your loved ones this weekend. If your family is not around for whatever reason (they hate you, you hate them, you're Aaron Rodgers) here are five activities to help forget about the astronomical amount of money being charged to your credit card for stuff your kids "need".

 

1.) Watch the Heisman Trophy Ceramony

It's Sunday on ESPN starting 5:00 pm. Sure, you could wait for a push notification of the winner and skip the pageantry, but that means missing out on important back stories. Did you know Dwayne Haskins originally committed to University of Maryland, but ultimately became a BUCKEEEEYYYEE? My guess is he met D.J. Durkin, received an undeserved swift tongue lashing, and got on the next flight to Columbus. Odds favor Alabama quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, winning top prize, despite Oklahoma's, Kyler Murray, finishing stronger with a big performance in the Big 12 Title game. It's a shame the Pac-12 will not be represented by Gardner Minshew; pictured below on his way to film a bootleg version of "A Star is Born" at a local Pullman multiplex.

2.) Watch Army vs. Navy

It's Saturday on CBS starting at 12:00 pm. Attention aging football meat heads! Do high point totals scare you? Does throwing the football threaten your morale compass? Would you rather watch a game played in the snow? Good news! The 119th meeting of Army and Navy meets those qualifications. Each year without fail, patriotic reflexes fool me into watching and appreciating at least five minutes of this glorified rugby match. Good on the NCAA to schedule America's Game the one weekend football fans are forced to re-assimilate with family members and act like Christmas tree hunting is fun (You try tying a seven-foot fir to a Prius). The most intriguing story line of this game? I say mascot nabbing:

 

3.) Get a picture with Krampus

Santa Claus is completely overrated and threatens my belief not all mythical holiday creatures need to be powerful white men. That's why I'm getting a picture with Krampus, this year. Photographer Michael Gary has been dressing as the half-goat, half-demo anthropomorphic beast for four years. His public appearances begin, tonight. Check out his Facebook page for details. At the age of five I took a picture with Santa Claus and was introduced to the smell of whiskey. Twenty five years later I can't drink the stuff without getting nude in public. Thanks, Santa.

 

4.) Observe Portland 2018 Santacon Bar & Dispensary Crawl

If you're on your way to a mall Santa interview and forgot to drink nine beers, it's worth stopping by The Portland 2018 Santacon Bar & Dispensary Crawl. The details section on their Facebook event page displays pretty strict rules when participating:

OBEY THE FOUR F***S

1. DON'T F*** WITH CHILDREN
2. DON'T F***WITH POLICE
3. DON'T F***WITH SECURITY GUARDS
4. DON'T F***WITH SANTA (It's okay to f*** Santa)

FAILURE TO OBTAIN CONSENT VIOLATES THE FOURTH F***.

"Uh, yeah. I have a question. Is f***ing Santa required upon entry?"

5.) Go see "A Star is Born"

Have you seen it? You haven't?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!?!? (Side Note: Am I the only one who thinks Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga fooled around on set? I am? OK, I'll shut up).

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